Birth Plan: The Reaction

So, remember my appointment was on Thursday?  Well, Marvin and I got there and the receptionist was all "ummm, no you don't have an appointment today."  And I was all "yes huh!".  Anyway, it was a mistake on their part.  So, I go and deposit my urine sample and sit down in the waiting room.  I was so flipping nervous.  It was freeeeeezing in there, but I was sweating.  Anyway, the nurse calls me back and weighs me and then I realize I've already gained a whopping 32 lbs (the amount I gained the ENTIRE PREGNANCY with Elaina-- I still have 10ish weeks left. Awesome.).  She checks my blood pressure and shows me to my room.  

The nurse's aid comes in and checks the heartbeat.  She takes too long to find it and I have to point at where Dane is (the large lump, woman). Then she does that thing they do where they listen for 2 seconds and pretend like they know the rate.  His "rate" is always 150.  (Yeah, we know you fake it!)

Marvin and I sit there for about 30 minutes (like we always do waiting for Dr. Brown).  He comes in and accesses my records on his laptop.  

Dr. Brown: So, I see you did your glucose test with your jelly beans and your numbers were great.  Anything below 130 is good and you were in the 93 range.
Me: Yep.  They tried to give me attitude over the jelly beans.
Dr. Brown: And I'm confident you handled it.

(Marvin and Dr. Brown look at each other and laugh and laugh and laugh.)

Me: Ok, let's scale it back, guys.  That's a little too much laughter.  

We talked a little about my being slightly anemic.  And then, I dropped the bomb on him.

Me: Ok, so, I have something I want to talk to you about.
Dr. Brown: Go for it! You're the caboose today, so, take your time.
Me: Ok, so, with Elaina we were shooting for an un-medicated birth and we kind of winged it without preparing and it didn't work out.  So, we've been taking Bradley Method classes this time and I've been thinking about what I'd like to change, and...... I wrote a birth plan and wanted to see how you feel about it.
Dr. Brown: Ok, let's hear it!
Me: It's kind of long, but there are three parts that I know go against "normal" practice. Here we go: I'd like intermittent monitoring.  How do you feel about that?
Dr. Brown:  If your labor stalls and you need pitocin, I think it's important that you are under continous fetal monitoring.
Me: Completely agree, but I'm not getting pitocin.  I'm going to labor at home as long as possible and I don't want any augmentation of labor.
Dr. Brown: Ok, well, in that case, I think it's fine as long as we agree that if the baby shows signs of distress during the intermittent monitoring, we need you on continuous monitoring. 
Me: Agreed.  Ok, I would prefer a saline lock instead of an IV. How do you feel about that?
Dr. Brown: That's fine, but I want the saline lock at least.  Can I ask why you don't want the IV?
Me: It's just really hard to relax and move freely when there's a needle in your hand and you're attached to a pole and have to drag it everywhere. 
Dr. Brown: Ok, makes sense.  But, the saline lock at least, ok?
Me: Ok.  And, here's the one I'm the most worried about: I'd like to be able to use the birth tub.  I have absolutely no desire to have a water birth, but I'd like to be able to use it for pain management during labor. How do you feel about that?
Dr. Brown: Yeah. The hospital has a room with a tub in it.  We can arrange that.  We may need to let L&D know ahead of time so they have it ready for you, but it shouldn't be a problem.
Me: Ok, I really don't want to have the baby in there, but I'd like to have the option to use it during contractions.
Dr. Brown: Yeah, I had a patient talk me into using the birth tub once to deliver and it was the first and last time.  It was a train wreck.  I knew it would be a train wreck when she started pushing, but by then it was too late.  
Me: I have no desire, so don't worry about that. Ok, that's pretty much it.  Would you like to look it over?
Dr. Brown: Yes, please.
(I hand him the birth plan)
Me: It's kind of long.
Dr. Brown: I wouldn't expect anything else from you. (Looks at Marvin and they both start laughing).
Me: Ok.... y'all.  It's not THAT funny.
(Dr. Brown composes himself and reads over the plan. Long pause of silence as he reads through the plan.)
Dr. Brown: Oh, I already know I'm going to fail this one.  
Me: What?!? Which one? 
Dr. Brown: Don't offer pain medicine, epidural.
Me: Why??
Dr. Brown: Because I just hate seeing people in pain!
Me: Ok, well, if you have to say it just whisper it or something.
Marvin: You're a DOCTOR who hates seeing people in pain?
(At this point I shoot Marvin a death stare that means "Did you hear him say YES to the tub? Shut it.")
Dr. Brown: I'll try to make a note so I remember, though.
(More reading...) 
Dr. Brown: Ok, I think everything in here is ok.  Let me just finish reading through it and there's something I want to touch on.
(At this point I start to sweat again.)
Dr. Brown: Ok, this cord pulsating cr....thing. 
Me: DR. BROWN! What were you going to say??
Dr. Brown (ignoring the slip of the tongue): Physiologically the placenta and cord.........(Dr. Brown goes into a medical explanation of how the cord and placenta work and why it worries him to wait on the clamping of the cord.  I'm aware that his school of thought is old school, but I let it slide. Did I mention that he ok'd the birth tub?)
Me (giddy like a school girl from the "yes" to the tub): Ok, we can edit that part out.  It doesn't matter. 
Dr. Brown: And, the part about the baby not going to the nursery.  I would think about that.  Depending on when you deliver, you will be tired.  It's a huge difference between intrauterine environment and extrauterine environment.  In the nursery, the baby will be monitored.  It may be better for the baby to be monitored than if you are both passed out in a dark room with no one watching the baby.  I know at home it'll be the same thing, but....
Me: I don't sleep. 
Marvin: She really doesn't.  She will feed the baby every two hours and do breathing checks every 10 seconds.  
Dr. Brown: Ok. Hahaha. I actually don't doubt that. Just a suggestion! 

Then he gave me the whole thing about "What REALLY matters is that you and the baby are safe".  And I smiled and said, "yes, but there's nothing in my birth plan that deters from that." He smiled, "I agree". 

Me: So, tell me the truth.... you hate when people bring birth plans, right?
Dr. Brown: No.
Me: C'mon... it won't hurt my feelings. You hate it?
Dr. Brown: I really don't! 

He totally hates it. 

Dane's Birth Plan

I have an appointment with Dr. Brown on Thursday.  I'll be 30 weeks.  Time has FLOWN by this pregnancy.  All props for a fly-by pregnancy go to Elaina.  (It's hard to have time drag when you're trying to keep up with a 2.5 year old!!) 

Below is the birth plan I'm going to present to him on Thursday.  I'm so nervous!  I didn't do a birth plan with Elaina.  Birth plans are what crazy pregnant people do and I didn't want to be perceived as weird or crazy.  Time has passed and I've grown up a little and I don't care who thinks I'm crazy.  So far, he's let me do whatever I wish.  I mean, how many doctors let you eat jelly beans for your glucose test?  I'm hoping he receives the birth plan openly.  I will update on how it goes! 

Diana Vallette                                                          Patient of Dr. James Brown, Women & Children’s Hospital

We are confident that we are in excellent hands and appreciate efforts in helping us bring our baby into this world in a gentle, natural manner.  We fully understand that certain emergencies and/or other medical circumstances may not allow for our birth preferences listed below. 

LABOR

·        - No outside visitors during labor and delivery.

·        - I wish to labor in my own clothing.

·         -I would like intermittent fetal monitoring.

·         -I would like a saline/heparin lock if necessary.

·         -I would like the opportunity to move around, utilize my birth ball and utilize the shower/tub between intermittent monitoring. I would like to be free to walk/change positions as desired.

·         -I would like for the lights to be dim and for the room to be as quiet as possible during labor & delivery. I would really appreciate necessary conversation take place in between contractions.

·        - I would like to keep the vaginal exams to a minimum.

·        - I do not want to be offered an epidural or any sedatives/narcotics.

·        - I do not wish to have the amniotic membrane ruptured artificially.

DELIVERY

·        - I would like to deliver in the position that I feel comfortable (not limited to lithotomy position.)

·        - Even if I am fully dilated, and assuming the baby is in no distress, I would like to wait until I feel the urge to begin the pushing phase.

·         -Perineal massage and warm compresses are welcomed: no episiotomy please.

·         -I would appreciate guidance on when to push and when to stop pushing.

·         -I would like a local anesthetic if I require stitching.

POSTPARTUM

·        - I would like to have the baby placed on my chest (skin-to-skin) immediately after delivery.

·        - I would like to have the baby on my chest during any assessments/treatments if at all possible.

·        - I would like to wait until the cord stops pulsing before having my husband cut it.

·        - I would like to hold my baby and breastfeed while the placenta is delivered. I would like to avoid postpartum pitocin unless medically necessary (hemorrhage).

·         -I would like to delay the administration of erythromycin until after breastfeeding is established (a few hours). My records clearly indicate that I do not have gonorrhea. 

·        - I would like for the baby to receive Vitamin K shot.

·        - I do not want the baby to receive the Hep B vaccination.

·        - I do not want the baby to have any bottles, pacifiers or water (unless medically necessary).

·        - I would like to have my baby circumcised by Dr. Brown the day after delivery.

·        - The baby will remain with me (or I with him) at all times from the moment he is born until we are discharged from the hospital.  I would like the opportunity to have the pediatrician assess the baby in our room so that I may have the chance to speak with him/her. This is extremely important to me; I realize this may go against normal practice and I would really appreciate any and all support in this matter.

·        - I am experienced at breastfeeding, but would like to meet with a lactation consultant at her earliest convenience.

Hippie Mom

I've joked before that "if you're not at least 50% more of a hippie after becoming a mom, you're doing it wrong."  I was joking (kind of?) cause who am I to say that YOU are mothering wrongly?  I mean, me and my husband  critically analyze everyone's parenting style like the parenting professionals we are not.  We've probably talked about your parenting style behind your back.  It's a testament to how cool and fun our lives are "did you see how x handled that situation?".  We're definitely judgey parents, but we're judgey in secret (only with one another).  So, that makes us not annoying, right?

Marvin and I are more hippie than we were before children.  I guess?  We weren't real hippie (at all) to begin with, so it was an "improvement".  For all the non-parents wondering what in the heck I mean by "more hippie", I guess I just mean going against the norm.  Actually taking the time to research things like vaccines or cloth diapers or breastfeeding or the chemicals in every-flipping-thing.  Being a conscious parent (aka not just doing what "they" --the professionals-- tell you to do). Striving to give your child a natural, healthy start.  As an example, I mean those people who grew up being all "spare the rod, spoil the child" and, after having children themselves, are all "spanking is unnecessary" and they research gentler methods of discipline.  (Please don't think this is an attack on spanking;  I just used spanking as an example.  I'm not looking to debate discipline styles.  Do what works for you!)  Basically the test is: if your family doesn't think you're at least a LITTLE weird as a mother then you're probably not hippie-ish. If your family hasn't felt the need to have an intervention about how you're teaching your 2 month old to cry by picking them up or holding them all the time, then you're probably not weird like me.  And, that's ok!  I mean, Marvin and I will talk about you behind your back, but our lives are boring and that's all we've got.

In the spirit of weirdness, Marvin and I are taking a birthing class.  Which is weird  because we've already been through birthing once.  But, I want to do it naturally this time.  I want to trust my body to produce a baby.  The first go round I was SO nervous about all the what ifs that I mostly just listened to what my (wonderful) OB said.  I grew up with a Dad who would anonymously talk about his cases.  Knowing what an ectopic pregnancy is at age 10 is not normal practice, I don't think?  Anyway, couple that with parents who had a child born with a neural tube defect and you end up with an over-educated and scared little momma-to-be.

So, we're taking a Bradley Method class.  We're hoping it'll give us some tools to use during labor.  We're on class 3 (of 12) now and it's already been really beneficial.  Who knows, maybe Marvin won't be forced to fake sleep through this labor. Ha!  

Anyway, it's weird how labor and delivery is handled, right?  I don't know if it's just in Louisiana or what, but it's really started to annoy me.  I'm not judgey about birth (not even in private to my husband), handle your birth however in the heck you want!  But, I don't get why the natural approach is received with so much hesitation (if received at all).  I mean, I KIND OF get it.  I saw the malpractice stresses on my Dad and how they affected his life.  The fear of being sued pushes doctors to try to manipulate the experience.  I guess they think if they just cut you open and take the baby out, they can control how things go and reduce the likelihood of getting sued?  Doctors kind of have to handle care from a fear standpoint.  My Dad used to say his job was the best job in the world, he got to help bring life into the world.  But then, you have people suing you left and right and you are now fearful of your patients.  You basically handle their care covering your butt the whole time.  I mean, I get it!  Doctors have families and this is their job.  Who wants to go to work every day scared that someone will sue them?  It's not fun, I imagine. 

My doctor thinks I'm weird.  I mean, he has never told me that he thinks I'm crazy, but I know he does.  Some of the questions I ask him throw him for a loop, and that has to say a lot when he does this everyday and has, like, a billion patients.  I'm not scared to ask this man anything.  I mean, I took my glucose tolerance test with jelly beans (instead of the drink most people take).  He probably has a golden star on my chart that means "difficult patient".  I imagine most of his patients let him call the shots, and that's just not my style.  I am a questioner.  He doesn't have some super human quality because he is a medical professional.  To me, he is a man that is helping me along.  He isn't all knowing and he isn't always right.  I value his opinion, of course, or I wouldn't be seeing him.  My arrogance (I realize that it's arrogant; I just don't care) doesn't extend to every profession.  If I bring my car into a shop and they tell me the transmission is ruined, I'll just blindly believe them.  I don't know anything about cars.  If I go to see a lawyer and they tell me that I don't have a case, I'll just blindly believe them.  I don't know anything about law.  But, I know my stuff when it comes to medicine.  I'm not saying I'm all knowing about medicine.  That would be silly.  I have a degree in Journalism.  But, you know what?  I have a good amount of faith in myself when it comes to medical issues.  And I don't have a problem going against protocol or asking questions that rock the boat.  I mean, this is mine and my family's health we are talking about here.  I need to take responsibility in it.

Anyway, at my next appointment I'm going to throw all my labor wishes (which go against protocol) on my OB.  I'm hoping he'll receive them openly. I'll give details of my weird labor wishes and how he received them on my next post. He's taken everything else I've thrown at him in stride.  I know that most of his patients are "ok with planning things" (his words).  And, so, I know that I'm his pain in the butt patient.  I'm ok with that.  

Trimester Breakdown

I've entered the third trimester.  Pregnancy is divided into three trimesters.  All the different sources don't agree EXACTLY on when each trimester stops and the next begins, but I consider the first trimester up until 12 weeks, the second from 13-27 and the third everything after that!  It doesn't really matter when "they" say each one stops and starts, you'll know even if you're not keeping track. How will you know?

This is a break down of how the trimesters go:

The First Trimester: You find out you're pregnant.  Oh my God, I cannot believe I'm really pregnant.  Wait, am I really pregnant?  Let me take 27 pregnancy tests just to make sure and then confirm with a blood test just to make DOUBLE sure.  You walk around wondering if people are looking at you because they just "know" some secret way.  Your boobs are so sensitive you don't even know what to do with yourself.  (This begins the process of the looooong "hands off my boobs" stage with your husband.)  Anything (and I mean ANYTHING) makes you nauseated.  You live your life nauseated with achy boobs.  You're bloated and EX-HAUS-TED.  You spend every waking moment wondering if the baby is ok in there.  You wish you had a way to know for sure.  Every time you go to the bathroom to pee you examine the toilet paper just to make absolute sure there is no trace of blood on it.  You complain constantly about feeling crummy and then if you have any moments that you do NOT feel crummy, you wonder if it means something is wrong with the baby.

The Second Trimester: Your risk of miscarriage has gone significantly down and you're not AS crazy.  You probably aren't nauseated anymore (some people still are-- bless their hearts).  Your boobs don't hurt and the bloat is starting to get better.  You have energy!! You are feeling good!  People that you don't know at Wal Mart can tell you're pregnant.  Pregnancy isn't so bad.  You find out if the baby is a boy or girl and have your "The DUN DUN DUN Anatomy Scan".  You are loving pregnancy and cannot wait to meet your bundle of joy.  Life is good.  What do all those people complain about?  

The Third Trimester:  You hate life.  Pregnancy sucks.  You are HUGE.  You literally pee about 35 times a day.  Your bladder is never empty.  Your acne is OUT-OF-CONTROL at this point.  Your back hurts and your feet and hands are swollen.  You are tired again, but it's impossible to get comfortable.  You need approximately 14 pillows to get comfortable.  You don't have 14 pillows.  Your husband is all "LOL, get over yourself dramatic!". Your boobs are hurting again, and they are HUGE.  Not cute huge.  It's not "awesome" (no matter what your stupid husband says) it's disgusting. They hang on your belly.  You feel like you are in a fat suit.  You have to do the pregnancy waddle now.  You itch for absolutely no reason.  You google it.  "Pregnancy and itching" and all kind of crazy stuff comes up and all of a sudden you think you have a disease, but, nope you're just itching for NO REASON.  They don't talk about THAT in the pregnancy book. Stupid damn book.  People at Wal Mart (that you've never met before in your freaking liiiiiife) ask you questions.  They guess the sex of your baby.  They comment on how big or small you are or what you look like or whatever comes to their mind at the time.  They have no filter.  They are RUDE.  You hate everyone.  (Side note: if people are constantly guessing that you're having a boy, you're golden!! You're cute! You don't FEEL cute, but you are!  Now, if people are constantly guessing girl, punch them in their throat cause they're calling you fat.  Stupid old wives tales.)  Absolutely nothing fits.  Even the stuff that was really big that you thought you'd be able to wear the entire time.  You tell your husband and he's all "Well you only have about 2 months left do you really need to buy clothes? I mean isn't that kind of pointless?". Good times.  When you reach about 35 weeks everyone and their mom will text you and be all "anything yet?" and you will hate them.  You feel like the baby will never come out.  You are SO DONE.

Then you have the baby and it's the most gorgeous thing you've ever seen and you decide to do it all over again one day.  Why?  Because you only remember the second trimester.  God was looking out for human kind!  

Being A "Good" Mom

There are people who usually think of others first and themselves last.  I am not one of those people.  I am a selfish person.  It's something I was terrified would affect me as a mother.  One of my biggest fears when I was pregnant (and by this time you know there were many) was that I would be a selfish mom.  I would day dream about the following scenario: it's 4 AM and my baby is crying because she's hungry and I'm just EXHAUSTED so I let her stay hungry and cry.  I was terrified that I wouldn't WANT to go to her because I'd be too tired.  I was worried that I wouldn't be able to put my baby's needs, wants and well being before my own.  Then, she came, and nothing else in the world mattered except for keeping that little person happy and healthy.  It didn't matter if I hadn't eaten in a day.  It didn't matter if I didn't sleep.  It didn't matter.  She was ALL I was worried about.  It's not something that I had to "work on" it was something that just happened.  She was born and BAM I immediately became second.  Immediately.  

You may be thinking to yourself: "but isn't that how EVERYONE is? doesn't EVERYONE automatically have a baby and put the baby first and themselves second?"  Well, no.  No, everyone isn't like that.  And, really, you can't blame them.  I mean, when your child is born something inside you either CLICKS or it DOESN'T CLICK.  I don't think you have control over this "clicker".  Some people have the biologically, programmed, instinctive CLICK when their child is born and all of a sudden the child's well being, wants, health, etc. come before their own.  It's not something they have to work on.  It's not something they have to think about or struggle with.  It just.... HAPPENS.  Automatically.  And some people don't.  

I guess that's what my fear was... that it wouldn't be automatic for me.  I'm glad that it was because I think I'm too selfish to NOT have that "click" and be a good Mom at the same time.  Some people don't have that click, but they are self disciplined enough to work through it and others can't.  Being a parent is kind of about baggage, you know what I mean?  Like, when you're beginning the parenting path, you think about your own childhood and what those GREAT things were your parents did (or didn't do) and what those not so great things were.  You decide (in your head) to make a conscious effort to not do the things you thought weren't so great and you want to try as hard as you can to replicate the great things.  In a sense, when you become a parent, you give your parents a report card.  For example, let's say that you came from a divorced home and it negatively impacted you, your goal is to NOT replicate that.  Or, let's say that your mom was overbearing and all up in a ya bizz, you want to give your children space.  The list goes on and on. 

I'm a great mom.  I know that's something that's taboo to say.  I know you're not supposed to say it, but it's true.  How am I a great mom?  I love Elaina unconditionally.  She comes first in my book.  I think carefully before making a decision that will affect her.  I listen to my gut.  I research when my gut gives me nothing.  I ask for advice from those I trust.  I try my very hardest.  I spend time playing with her.  I spend some time disciplining her.  Does that mean I'm perfect?  No.  Certainly not.  Does it mean that I don't make mistakes?  No.  Being a "great" mom doesn't mean that I don't sometimes lose my temper and say something a little louder than I wish I would have.  It doesn't mean that sometimes I don't lose my patience or need a second to myself.  It doesn't mean that I don't turn on the TV so she can watch cartoons while I chat with a friend or read an article in peace.  It doesn't mean that some days, and the end of the day, I feel like I could've done a better job.  It doesn't mean that I don't mess up; I'm human.  We all mess up.  Being a great mom doesn't mean that I don't question myself and feel guilt constantly.  Even if deep, deep, deep down you KNOW you are this kick ass mom who is just totally awesome, you'll still have moments of guilt.  Guilt is programmed into the mom's DNA.  

When Elaina was born, Marvin and I didn't watch TV for about 4 months.  I mean it.  For 4 months we watched absolutely no TV.  We had cable, but we didn't use it.  Why?  Because of my baggage.  My dad was a doctor who worked a lot and spent his non-working hours either working on his ever-changing hobbies or locked in his room watching TV and ignoring us.  That's how I felt.  It's my perception.  (My dad has a different perception, and that's ok.  But this is my blog, so it's from my perspective.)  Dr. Phil will tell you that perception is reality.  So, you can guess that my fear as far as Marvin was concerned was that he'd be an uninvolved Dad.  Marvin would get up, go to work and then come home and he'd had have to stare at Elaina until it was bed time.  Literally.  If he was looking at something else or not paying attention to her cute little 2 week old face for even a SECOND I would panic.  Marvin talks about how silly that little phase I went through was.  He loves telling people "I couldn't even watch TV."  Marvin is a laid back guy (as I'm sure you know by now) so he just went with it, as he does everything.  He just follows along with my crazy and waits for it pass and then brings it up when it's a long distant memory "remember when...." and then we laugh at how crazy it was at the time.

I remember one time I told my mom that I was having some guilt because I felt like I didn't spend enough time with Elaina.  "You are with her everyday," she responded.  Now, looking back, that was a silly way to feel.  How could I not spend enough time with someone I spent EVERY moment with?  I don't know.  But, at the time, I felt like I was failing because I didn't spend every moment of every day devoting 100% of my time playing with and staring at her.  

The crazy thing about parenting, though, is no matter how hard you try, you're going to make mistakes.  You don't get to decide what was or wasn't a mistake.  Your child will grade your paper when they are older and have children for themselves.  For example, when I was growing up I told my mom EVERYTHING.  I mean EVERYTHING.  She laid down some sort of foundation where I was never scared to tell her something.  I felt that I could be honest with her and I trusted her input.  I want to replicate that with my children.  I want them to be able to be honest with me about everything.  Like, if my 13 year old girl is in a "relationship" and thinking about becoming sexually active, I want for her to come to me and feel comfortable talking to me about it.  I hope I can handle those conversations with the same delicacy and grace my mom handled them with.  In the same breath, my mom hardly ever asked questions.  When I would tell her about a fight I had with a boyfriend or some drama that went on at school, she listened attentively and quietly, and just let me vent.  I think she was careful not to "pry" or make me feel like she was being too nosey, so she tried to just listen calmly and would only offer advice if I asked for it.  At the time, it kind of felt like she didn't care.  Like she wasn't interested.  Now, looking back, I know that's not the case.  I know she was trying to handle the situation delicately to make sure that I continued to feel comfortable talking to her.  And, she wanted me to have my own experiences and make my own decisions.  But, at the time, it felt like she didn't care.  So, that's something that I want to change.  If I'm lucky enough to raise my children to be as "open" with me as I was with my parents, I would like to make more of an effort to ask questions and ask for details and give advice.  Now, here is where parenting gets tricky: I will bet you 5 million dollars that when Elaina gets older she'll think of me as one of those "overbearing" moms who always asked questions and wanted details and was TOO involved.  She'll feel like I didn't give her room to breathe, and then she'll want to give her children more space and so they cycle continues.  

All you can do is try your best.  Try your very best.  Some days you'll feel like a failure, and some days you'll feel like you killed it.  It's part of the job.  You'll question yourself.  You'll have guilt.  You'll worry.  You'll have anxiety.  It's normal.  It's GOOD.  You're raising another HUMAN BEING.  It's a big job.

I'll leave you with some advice my mom gave me that REALLY stuck with me.  I told her how I worried sometimes that I was a sucky mom or I was failing or I wasn't doing the BEST job I absolutely could.  Do you know what she told me?  The shitty moms don't wonder if they're shitty.  

Breastfeeding

During my pregnancy with Elaina, I heard about all the wonderful parts of breastfeeding.  I mean, I knew that "breast is best" before my pregnancy, but I learned WHY.  It helps you lose weight, they said.  It reduces the risk of SIDs, they told me.  Breastfed babies are less likely to be sick because they're receiving their mother's immunities.  It's free.  (I could go on...)  The more I learned, the more I was DETERMINED to breastfeed.

I was worried that I wouldn't be able to.  I had a breast augmentation about 5 months before learning I was pregnant with Elaina.  I researched and googled like a mad woman.  I read different stories about women who had undergone breast surgeries and their triumphs/failures with breastfeeding.  I asked Dr. Brown what he thought.  I called my plastic surgeon, Dr. Glass, to ask about her patients' experiences.  I asked questions on my Baby Center Birth Board (those ladies are IN-TENSE!).

I bought "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" and read and re-read all the breastfeeding sections in my 8 (yes, 8) baby books. I have a confession, though.  I found "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" extremely boring and I just didn't get the information I was looking for from it.  (That's basically considered blasphemy to my mommy-friends, but...... it's true.)  I got some good information from the 8 baby books, but I still didn't feel prepared.  So, I signed up for a Breastfeeding Class at Women & Children's.  THAT was what made me successful at breastfeeding.  Not the books, not the googling, THE CLASS made us successful.

The class was given by one of their Lactation Consultants (side note: this woman had like 4 kids and she was SO tiny and blonde and cute. UGH).  Anyway, the class cost $15 and was literally the best money I've ever spent in my "preparation" for motherhood.  Why was the class so helpful?  You know, I don't know.  I mean, one part stood out:  the lactation consultant held up little balls that represented the size of your baby's belly at different stages.  I was AMAZED at how freaking tiny the just-born baby's tummy was.  It was, like, as big as an almond.  Besides the stomach sizes, the class just told me the specifics of what I should and shouldn't worry about.  It told me what to expect and it MADE ME FEEL CONFIDENT.  Like, I knew I would be able to do it after the class.  They gave us each a sheet of paper.  The paper was a way to keep track of feedings the first few days.  You circled R or L (for right or left boob) and you would write down how long the baby fed for.  Then, when the baby had a dirty or wet diaper you would circle that on the paper, too.  The paper had how many wet/dirty diapers were needed for each day postpartum.  The lactation consultant said that if your baby was producing the right amount of dirty diapers you were golden and don't worry.  Wait....that's it?  You count diapers and if you have the right amount of wet and dirty you're ok?  I can DO THIS!  The lactation consultant also told us that someone would stop by and "help" if we needed  while we were in the hospital.

After I got the epidural with Elaina and I was able to talk freely, I asked the nurse if there was a lactation consultant who could come by when she was "out" to help me.  She said she'd make sure to let them know.  Elaina was born, the nurse took forever to clean her off, she put her on my chest and then in walked a lactation consultant.  She told everyone that we were about to try to feed Elaina and asked them to leave.  That made me instantly love her.  She put on these blue gloves and said she was going to "watch" me feed Elaina.  I was so nervous.  I plopped out my boob and she showed me a better way to hold her.  The way I was holding her was the way I had seen everyone hold their babies.  The way she taught me allowed me to hold her head AND my boob at the same time, so I had more control.  I had read and learned about the cheek tickle, so I tried it.  Elaina opened her mouth a few times and I gently nudged my nipple at her.  "You're not going to hurt her," the lactation consultant said.  "SHOVE it in her mouth."  So, I cheek-tickled and nudged my nipple at her a little harder.  Then something happened.....the lactation consultant grabbed my boob.  She didn't ask.  She just grabbed it and shoved it in Elaina's mouth.  I mean SHOVED.  (Thaaaaat's why she needed those blue gloves.)  I was amazed by how hard she was pushing my nipple into Elaina's mouth.  Elaina grabbed on and sucked a few times and the LC pointed out how her latch was wrong.  She showed me how she could tell that the latch was wrong.  She told me how to break the latch and had me try again.  I shoved my nipple back in her mouth, she latched on correctly and she sucked maybe 5 times and unlatched herself.  The lactation consultant told me to try again.  And, again I shoved myself in her mouth, she sucked a few times and unlatched herself.  I was worried.  Why wasn't she staying on?  We tried the other boob and the same thing happened a few times.  Elaina never sucked for more than 5 seconds before she would get off.  The lactation consultant said I was doing great.  She took off her gloves.  We're done?  I was scared.  Something was obviously wrong.  Why wasn't she staying on?  I asked the LC "so, that doesn't count as a feeding, though, right?".  She said what Elaina had just done was "great" and I should consider it a successful feeding.  What?  Really?  She reminded me about the stomach sizes and the fact that Elaina had just been through 24 hours of labor and had probably drank a lot of amniotic fluid so she wasn't particularly hungry.  She said those few "sucks" got the colostrum out which is all we were looking for at this point.  I should be proud and happy, she said.  Keep track of dirty diapers and we would do great.  Wow.

That was just what I needed.  From that point forward I never questioned myself.  Elaina was born at 2:30 and every two hours on the dot after that I would unswaddle her to wake her up and attempt to feed her.  She never sucked more than 10 times before unlatching herself.  Sometimes unswaddling her didn't work and I had to pretend to change her diaper.  Sometimes changing her diaper didn't even help and I would dribble colostrum on her lips.  Sometimes nothing worked and she would just sleep.  But, I was ok with that because I offered every 2 hours like clock work.  

Around 9:00 we were ready to go to bed.  The lights in the room were turned off, but I left the TV on for light so I could see Elaina was breathing when I checked on her approximately every 10 seconds.  Throughout the night, I woke her up (or tried to) every 2 hours to get her to feed.  She didn't wake up at nighttime, though.  That chick was tired!  She was having the right amount of dirty diapers, though, and I was offering so I knew we were golden!  

The nurse would come in every 3ish hours and ask "how are y'all doing? do y'all need anything? did she eat?".  I didn't sleep that night so her constant interruptions didn't bother me.  I was too busy doing breathing checks.  I wasn't tired.  It was weird because the night before I was in labor so I didn't sleep then either.  My last time sleeping was during Dr. Phil.  That was about 48 hours ago?  I would always tell her we were fine and didn't need anything and I would proudly inform her that Elaina did NOT eat.  I was kind of daring her to question me.  Try to tell me she needs formula.  TRY!  She never did.  I guess I looked pretty confident when I would say "no, she didn't eat.  I offered, but she wasn't interested.  We're ok."  At around 12:14 (I know because I watched the clock like a crazy person) the nurse came in and told me the pediatrician was here to check on the babies.  She said she was going to take Elaina to the nursery and asked me if I wanted her to keep her in the nursery or bring her back.  I had to try HARD not to LOL in her face.  "Ummm...no.  Bring her back.  Definitely bring her back."  I am way too crazy to allow my child to chill in the nursery.  At approximately 12:20 (6 minutes later) I told Marvin to wake up and go to the nursery and ask what was taking so long.  He came back a few minutes later and told me that she was in the nursery and they said they were almost done.  At approximately 12:25 I got up and went to the nursery.  I was mad.  She was gone for eleven minutes now.  How long does the doctor need?  Give me my baby back.  The nurse saw me and told me they were bringing her back now.  They brought her back three minutes later.  

The next day Dr. Brown came and told me I could go or I could stay another day.  He said it was up to me.  Ummmm...DUH! I want to go home where visitors can't just pop in and nurses can't hold my baby hostage for eleven minutes.  (I know that I'm crazy; I don't care.)

We went home and at about three days postpartum my milk came in.   It didn't hurt and I wasn't engorged.  I only noticed because I was in the bathroom, leaning over to get something in the cabinet and I was soaking wet.  It took a while for me to figure out where the "water" was coming from.  Breastfeeding went wonderfully after that, I only had one time that I got nervous.  Elaina was having the right amount of poop diapers, but no pee diapers!  I called the Lactation Consultant.  Turns out that Elaina WAS peeing (toilet paper in the diaper confirmed this), but newborn baby pee is clear and I was changing her before every feeding (every 2 hours) so her diapers never "felt" wet.  

I joined La Leche League and all the moms sat in a circle and talked breastfeeding.  Throughout the meeting, moms whipped out their boobs and fed their babies without blinking an eye.  I liked this.  I fed Elaina in public if we were out and she was hungry.  You know those people who are nervous and embarrassed to feed in public?  I wasn't one of them.  I was a master public feeder.  You never saw any skin.  I used to daydream that someone would come up to me and make a comment about my feeding in public.  I would prepare what I would say.  I had a whole speech ready to go if anyone wanted to try me.  No one ever seemed to mind, though.  Most people ignored me completely.  A few people gave me "been there" smiles.  All went smoothly.  

Breastfeeding was great.  I loved it.  Me and Elaina were good at it.  Wanna know my favorite part about breastdfeeding?  When someone would ask to hold Elaina and I didn't want them to (read: ANYONE other than me) I would lie and say she needed to eat.  No one else could feed her, and by the time I was "done" they would forget, or she'd be asleep (and my baby was not passed around while sleeping....I didn't want to disturb her.  DUH!) Ha ha. Crazy mom win!!  

What was your favorite part of breastfeeding? What did you find challenging?  How did you feel about breastfeeding in public? Did you ever have an "issue" with onlookers being rude?