Part Two: You're Crazy

So, we've established that you're probably going to be fat when you get pregnant. Have you accepted it? Until you've FULLY accepted it, don't read on, I don't want to overwhelm you. 

On top of being fat, you'll be irrational. I mean, if you're a girl, you (hopefully) know that you are already preeeeeetty irrational, but pregnancy will bring a whole new crazy out of you. You will cry over things that are plain stupid. You'll KNOW it's stupid. You'll know you shouldn't get worked up over it, but it won't matter because the baby has taken over your brain and you are now crazy.  So, even though you know you're mad over something stupid, you won't be able to stop yourself. 

For example, I'll tell you about the time I almost divorced Marvin. 

Have you heard of morning sickness? Probably. First of all, let's take a second to explain that whoever in the hell coined the term "MORNING sickness" is an asshole. He (it was definitely a guy) lied. It's all-day sickness. It's a general feeling of nausea that can be triggered by a smell, thought, car ride, the wind blowing, the way someone is breathing, nothing at all etc. etc. etc.

Because God REALLY has a sense of humor one of the only things that can help your all-day sickness is if you constantly have something in your stomach. Meaning you constantly eat. Meaning (duh) you're fat. 

During this pregnancy, I have established a special nutrition routine. This routine hasn't failed me yet. I haven't thrown up. For the purposes of the divorce story, you need to know that every day when I wake up I have a cup of coffee milk (stop judging me) and a banana. And then, two-ish hours later, I have a protein bar. That's my morning routine. It is necessary for me to feel like a normal human being. 

So, let's paint the scene: it's the first trimester, I just woke up, I need to get something into my stomach ASAP or I will be headed for a day full of nausea. I use one hand to pinch my nose and the other to drink my coffee (I'm pregnant and irrational, remember? So, all-of-a-sudden my coffee smells absolutely horrible). I sit at my desk and play on Facebook as Elaina watches her morning cartoons (stop judging). I'm stalking people, taking bites of my banana, posting on statuses, living the good life.....UNTIL...

I get up to go get my protein bar from the pantry and they are GONE. Now, I know they should be there because I just bought a whole new box the day before. I start to panic. I take a deep breath and rummage through the entire pantry to make sure I'm not missing it. I'm not. At this point, I'm shaking with anger.

I call Marvin on his cell phone (he's at work).

Marv: Hey, what's wrong, are y'all ok?!?!

(Why did he answer the phone like that? Because if he talks on the phone at work, he could be fired. I know this rule and therefore I've never called him on his cell before. But, this is SERIOUS there are missing protein bars and I need answers.)

Me: NO!!!! WHERE ARE THE PROTEIN BARS?
Marv: What?
Me: I just went to eat a protein bar and there are none in the pantry. I just bought a whole box. WHERE ARE THEY?
Marv: I took the box to work. I asked you to pick me up a box, so, I thought that was my box.
Me: Marvin Vallette..... are you telling me that you have an entire box of protein bars at work and I have NONE?
Marv: I'm sorry, I didn't check if you had any, I just assumed and took the box. I'm so sorry..
Me: So, you just took all the food and left me and Elaina with NOTHING. You have an entire box of protein bars and we have NOTHING. DO YOU KNOW THAT I'M PREGNANT?!?!
Marv: Huh? Yeah, I know?
Me: SO YOU JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT THE BABY?
Marv: what?
Me: I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS MAD AT YOU IN MY LIFE!!!!!
Marv: over a protein bar?

At that point I had to hang up on him, he obviously didn't get it. Did he REALLY say "over a protein bar"? I was shaking and sweating. 

It took me about an hour to calm down from that experience. I sent him nasty novel-length text messages to which he simply responded (everytime) "I'm sorry". It is honestly THE MADDEST I have ever been at my husband since I met him. Looking at it now, it looks semi-silly.  I mean, it's just a protein bar. But, at the time it meant that my husband didn't care about me or the baby in my belly and he didn't love me anymore and he was selfish and horrible. 

I've cried when he said a girl on TV was tall. "So, what? I'm not tall enough for you now cause I'm pregnant and fat? You wish I looked like her?!?!"

I've screamed at him for not answering his phone when I was 4 months pregnant because "I COULD'VE BEEN IN LABOR!!!".

You won't make sense. You'll be crazy too.

If your husband sucks, you'll be REALLY crazy, cause my husband is basically a saint walking the Earth and I still find reasons to go crazy on his poor innocent soul.